01 February 2004

how not to make a spanish tortilla, based on a real-life experience

2 potatoes
1 onion
1 cup olive oil
1 tbl butter, unsalted
6 eggs, whisked
salt to taste

1. observe roommate making spanish tortilla on an almost weekly basis for five months.
2. wake up on sunday morning and yearn for spanish tortilla.
3. realize that roommate is still sound asleep, having come home at 5am.
4. decide 5 months of observation should do the trick and finally get up the nerve to make tortilla.
5. scrub and thinly slice potatoes.
6. dice onion.
7. heat olive oil in medium sized frying pan on high heat.
8. fry onions in oil with mind to carmelize until realizing that there's too much oil to carmelize.
9. add potatoes.
10. flip potatoes and onion repeatedly, spilling oil on stove and causing several mini-grease fires.
11. be thankful you removed battery from smoke detector and haven't remember to put it back in.
12. when cooked, scoop potato onion mix out of pan, leaving oil.
13. to oil, add butter and melt.
14. mix potatoes and onions into whisked eggs.
15. add mixture to pan, still on high heat.
16. while eggs are cooking, begin washing dirty dishes.
17. watch more smoke from unknown stove location fill the kitchen.
18. ponder how you will flip large tortilla now that it's about to burn.
19. at last possible second before burning begins, somehow manage to flip tortilla onto plate without burning yourself.
20. spill raw egg on stove, producing more smoke.
21. slide half-cooked tortilla back into pan to finish cooking.
22. wash plate used for flipping.
23. when tortilla is "done", flip it back onto now-cleaned plate.
24. watch tortilla sag and collapse instead of fluffing up proudly.
25. wait for tortilla to cool; open door to air out kitchen.
26. cut tortilla and realize that it's raw in the middle.
27. eat tortilla.


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