beggin' strips for humans

in a pathetic attempt to "eat healthy," i recently purchased"Smart Bacon," vegetarian bacon strips. as any self-respecting Reform Jew will know, we, the Reform Jew non-Kosher types don't even consider ham to be a food (except that one time at the one Christmas party where I spent the entire evening huddled over the AMAZING ham in the corner, shoving large handfuls into my face, socializing with noone, focusing only on the ham.). and pork chops? sure, i'll eat 'em if someone puts it in front of me but i'd never go out of my way to procure one. but wow do we love the bacon. and, yes, i conducted a survey using a random sample of Reform Jews to confirm this fact. i think that this chart pretty much says it all:

i admit i used to be more a sausage girl but in the past few years, it's bacon that's owned my heart. those salty and crispy yet moist strips of meaty perfection, never surprising you as sausage does with a nasty uncomfortably textured bite. and so tasty with a nice poached egg draped over a piece of toast. sigh.

oh, but this is about the Smart Bacon non-meat product. it's been sitting neglected in my fridge for a few weeks and this morning i decided to give it a try. a few weeks ago on Steve, Don't Eat It!, Steve sampled Beggin' Strips, the dog treat that is supposed to fool your dog into thinking he's actually eating bacon. The scent alone, and I quote, resembled "the smoky puke of a thousand maniacs." okay, Smart Bacon smelled more like cardboard, but the taste of it recalled Steve's reaction to Beggin' Strips: "I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was all out of me." Really. Ew. Smart Bacon DOES NOT taste like bacon. it doesn't even taste healthy, unless you equate health with a solid diet of shredded paper. needless to say, i'm disappointed in the Smart Bacon. i also have over half the package left and know without a doubt that i will eat every last bit of it because it's here and it's safe for human consumption. but, oh, Smart Bacon, i will NOT be happy when i eat you. not at all! damn you Smart Bacon! Damn you!!!